Thursday, December 11, 2008
It is with a heavy heart that I come before you today and admit something that's been gnawing on my soul ever since it became obvious that my good buddy Rod Blagojevich wasn't actually going to get away with, well, much of anything. Jesse Jackson, Jr. is not "Candidate 5." I am. It's true. I've done a very bad thing. I offered Blago forty-six dollars and five unscratched instant lotto tickets. He told me that if I threw in one of my old cell phones so he had an untraceable line with which to contact other "donors" we'd have ourselves a deal. "But Geds," you might be saying right now, "That's not possible. You're only 27 and you have to be 30 to be a United States Senator." As it turns out, seven years ago I had then Governor-felon of Illinois George Ryan write me up some fake documents that said I was dual citizen of the United States and Eritrea who was born in 1971. I figured it might come in handy if I ever needed to flee the country, rent a car before turning 25, start my own band of pirates, or make an early run for the U.S. Senate. Anyway, with all the hubbub it looks like I won't be getting to the Senate after all. Still, I love the great state of Illinois and all its corrupt glory. Between Blagojevich, George Ryan, Todd Stroger, John Stroger, Carol Moseley Braun, and Betty Loren-Maltese we can say one thing in Illinois: when it comes to political corruption, we don't discriminate. Black, white, male, female, we'll buy 'em all. Oh, and to all of those defense contractors, labor leaders, and bank presidents who said that I was their new best friends but suddenly aren't returning my calls, what gives? I thought you said you weren't just giving me all that time, attention, and money because of my inevitable ascension to the United States Senate. You guys are jerks. But I do feel better. Even if it looks like I won't be getting that sweet new Maserati GranTurismo S from an undisclosed campaign donor. If my good friend "Anonymous" from "Rock City, USA" is reading this, I'll still vote in favor of the big auto bailout. You don't even have to go all out. I'll totally take, like, a base model GranTurismo.