Thursday, January 29, 2009

For Immediate Dissemination

We here at Gedsmotron Industries would like to announce several changes that will be taking place immediately. Or over the course of the next several months, depending on the pace of the economic free-fall, the impending “Go, Go, Blago!” post-impeachment party at the Gedsmopad, and just how lazy our team of crack authors actually are. First: Accidental Historian will no longer be written on Geds’s beloved nine-year-old Toshiba Satellite laptop, nicknamed “Dinosaur, Jr.” From now on it will be written on the computer known as “Verizon Wireless presents Dinosaur, Jr.” Pending legal action on the behalf of J Mascis may require further change to “Verizon Wireless presents Dinosaur the Younger.” But we’re not allowed to talk about that just yet. Second: Should any of the authors of Accidental Historian be out at a bar on one of the monthly the “Pfizer Pharmaceuticals Wild, Wild Weekends” and run in to an attractive young lady who has an insatiable lust for bloggers, instead of going back and making out on the couch, they’ll be making out on the “Kraft Easy Mac Gedsmopad Living Room Furniture Presented by Staples.” Third: The Christmas tree has finally been removed from the Gedsmopad’s living room. We just thought it was peachy-keen that the damn thing stayed up until January 26. Also, the room seems a lot bigger without a big, fake conifer sitting in the middle of it. Any attractive young ladies who want to beat the rush at the next Pfizer Pharmaceuticals Wild, Wild Weekend are welcome to make an appointment to see the space and test out the Kraft Easy Mac Gedsmopad Living Room Furniture Presented by Staples. Fourth: All Wild at Heart posts are now brought to you by Tyndale House, and each will include a helpful sidebar with suggestions for books that let you in on what real Biblical masculinity is and how you, too can achieve it.* (Hint: it involves reading your Bible and letting other men raise you up and touch what’s buried deep inside you. In a totally non-gay way, of course.) Fifth: Geds is officially changing his screen name to “GED Haus.” Remember, the GED Haus is your one and only online source for General Equivalency Diploma supplies. Sixth: This should not be construed as selling out in any way, shape, or form. We here at Gedsmotron Industries and Accidental Historian are committed to the highest possible levels of journalistic and historical integrity. We’re simply leveraging profitable branding opportunities to take over market share and bring the opportunities in line with the outlays. Seventh: Drink Coca-Cola. It’s delicious. -------------------------------- *As long as “you” are not a “woman.” You can help the man in your life achieve Biblical manhood, however. Here are a few free tips: 1. Have you made a sandwich for him recently? If no, ask him if he wants one. 2. Nothing makes a man feel like a real man more than a good blow job. 3. Always, always tell him that, no, you’re not faking and yes, you couldn’t be happier with your thrice-weekly minute of sweaty thrusting followed by hours of loud snoring while you cry yourself to sleep and/or finish the job yourself while thinking of that nice barista down at the Starbucks who always flirts with you just a little and makes your half-caf-skim-double-mocha-frappa-latte just right. Real men know exactly how to please a woman, and if you’re not being pleased by your real man, you’re probably doing it wrong. 4. If he wants to go to the Boat Show this weekend, let him. Do not dare, however, suggest that he go with you to the Monet retrospective at the Art Institute. Real men don’t like sissy art with pictures of flowers and boats floating languidly down rivers that cut through landscaped gardens and shit like that. It increases their potential wussiness quotient threefold. And in this world that's already trying to destroy men with soy products, all those pictures of Matthew McConaghey not wearing a shirt, and the way the media keeps depicting homosexuality as a hot, attractive lifestyle we simply cannot allow the possibility of higher wuss factors in our real manly men. If real manly men who write books about how to be manly men can be tempted by the Devil in to imagining how amazing it would be to spending a magical night with Orlando Bloom, what chance to men who only read the books have against such insidious tactics? 5. If all else fails, go back to the sandwich and blow job options. Men like those. And if he calls you "Orlando" at any point during a blow job or sex act, that's a sign that you need to spend a lot more time giving in to his sexual whims, as you're not doing a very good job of shielding him from the temptations of the homo-friendly world.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lol. Orlando.

Fiat Lex said...

Yah, me and Dave tried to watch the Oprah interview with Haggart, but it was too nails-on-a-chalkboard to sit through the whole thing. It literally gave him a rage headache, and I had to go and get him some aspirin while he cleared it off our DVR.

Why can't a guy like that just admit that he's bi? He (claims that he) has a good sexual relationship with his wife, but still feels attracted to and fantasizes about men. If they were open and honest about it, maybe the Mrs. could get a sexy doctor's coat and some Vaseline and latex gloves and tell him to turn his head and cough. Might help cut down on those gay fratboy orgy fantasies.

It's kind of creepy, parenthetically, that it's possible to have sidebar ads full of books on Biblical manhood. That there's enough stuff out there in the genre to fill an entire sidebar, I mean. Who knew Biblical men needed so much help getting in touch with their masculinity?

Geds said...

Oh, there's a huge market for it. Tyndale's got the Every Man's Bullshit experience, which Thomas Nelson basically countered with Wild at Heart. Zondervan has their Man in the Mirror set. It goes on. Fortunately, I don't remember most of it.

The thing is, too, they're not just selling you Wild at Heart. You buy that, then you buy the Wild at Heart Journal and the Wild at Heart Study Guide. Of course Eldredge has nothing on the Every Man's Battle series, which has at least a dozen different books you can buy plus gift packs and everything else.

No, really.

GailVortex said...

Am I gonna have to stop reading you at work? "sandwich or blowjob options" *snerk* At least I've figured out not to drink while reading.

Don't forget the themed Bibles to go with your Masculine Christian cruft! I'm not sure Paris Hilton is as consumed with "buy the complete set"-ness as the christian publishers think their target audience is.

Anonymous said...

"blowjob or sex act"

If a BJ isn't a sex act, there's really only 3 or 4 things that are. And I've spent a lot of time researching this, so you can take my word for it.

I didn't read thoroughly before commenting before, so I had an amusing day or two wondering who the worst possible "Orlando" would be that you could be thinking of during head. Orlando Jones is as bad as I could come up with, but I think this is a good topic.