Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The 28 Year-Old Virgin
So I’ve never had sex. Hell, I’ve never been in the same room as a member of the female gender who wasn’t more or less fully clothed. And I’m not gay, so, y’know, no loopholes there… There are good reasons for that, I suppose. For the first twenty-five or so years of my life I believed that sex outside of marriage would result in god being, like, really really mad. Then when I hit the point where that stopped being an issue I was still with Her. And nothing would have happened there, due to her still being pretty serious about the no sex outside of marriage thing, me not being willing to do anything manipulative, creepy, or otherwise indecent, and us being in a position where we were pretty much starting to despise each other, anyway. There was the time spent dealing with the fallout of that whole thing when I really wasn’t particularly interested in relationships anyway. And, of course, with all the need to run around and constantly freak out over Obama turning our country in to a Homosexual Islamofascist Socialist police state it just hasn’t come up lately.* Anyway, now that I’ve got that admission out of the way, I’m sure that everyone is going to stop visiting my blog. After all, anyone who has made it past his 28th birthday without having sex must be somehow defective as a human being. I’m certain that my lack of experience at the horizontal hokey-pokey also means that I don’t have any valid things to say on the subject of history, religion, baseball, or music. Oh, shit. I just realized I’d better hope I don’t piss off any nutso right-wing bloggers, either. They might track me down, tell everyone my real name, then call my company to tell my secret. I’ll get fired when HR realizes that this one detail about my sexual background completely negates all my skills and the work I’ve done over the last year. See, from what I’ve been given to understand by the larger world, there’s something wrong with me. We all know that a “boy” becomes a “man” the moment he first bumps uglies. So any guy who has made it deep in to his twenties without doing so must still not be a “man.” Then, of course, there’s the whole premise of the movie The 40 Year-Old Virgin. It starts out with this whole picture of Steve Carrell’s character as a deeply socially awkward loser who can’t seem to get anywhere with his life and doesn’t seem to try. His friends discover he’s a virgin and immediately set out to change that over his protests. Meanwhile, Carrell’s character is an avid collector of action figures. What happens over the course of the movie? He sells his collection off. I’m pretty sure the only way the metaphor could have been more obvious was if he traded in his closet full of Garanimals for suits. The thing is, I highly doubt that I could walk up to most of the people I know and say, “I’ve never had sex,” and get a, “Yeah, I’d always assumed so.” I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s some sort of virgin vibe or scent that I’ve never been able to detect. Or maybe it’s something I don’t recognize because I don’t really care that much. I don’t know if it’s me, but I really don’t care about anybody else’s sex life. I’m not ashamed of it, either. Maybe it’s a glitch of growing up fundagelical, when it was assumed that no one was having sex. Then again, Christians can be pretty obsessed with the sex lives** of others. And I’ll bet that a lot of people were sneaking off to have sex on retreats and missions trips, too. Chances are I’d be surprised to find out who it was and who it was with if I ever found out. But chances are I never will. It’s none of my business. I suppose you’re wondering why I’m telling you all of this. I’ve got an ongoing joke that I’d be in really big trouble if I was gay, since I don’t have a gay-dar. This isn’t true. I’ve actually got a pretty good gay-dar, it’s just rarely turned on. My basic theory is that the only reason to give a flying crap about someone else’s sex life is if I’m planning on trying to get myself involved in their sex life. And, well, that doesn’t really come up too often… The whole issue of gay rights and the involvement of LGBT people in society has been around a lot. I’m sure everyone has noticed. I was thinking about this the other day and realized that the conversation, at least from people who are against things like gay marriage and gays in the military and whatnot really don’t get it. There’s far more to a person than sex, regardless of who he or she wants to have sex with and how. Yet to hear the rhetoric, you’d think that all a gay guy does all day is try to find places to put his penis, whether or not the owners of those places are in to it. Honestly, I don’t get it. I think it’s stupid. I think it would be fantastic if we could figure out how to get past that. Sadly, though, I think the fact that my own attitudes about the sex lives of others is probably a glitch among the deeply religious means that it will take a while for that to happen. -------------------------------- *And Geds makes a really subtle impotence joke at his own expense… **Good. Fucking. Night. The link on this one popped up when I decided to see what would happen if I Googled "women sex god." I honestly cannot figure out if it's a Poe, but it's so very fucked up that I figured I'd share it anyway. First of all, the link I put up commits the standard logic fail of claiming that having anal sex with a girl is okay because she's still a virgin afterward. There's no breaking of the hymen, after all. And we can totally ignore the fact that guys only have one penis through the power of double-standards and not mentioning simply biological facts. There's the threesomes link, in which we learn that it's okay to have threesome as long as the only gay shit is between two chicks and there is a marriage involved. Then there's the oral sex link, wherein we learn that's a-ok because (are you ready?) Jesus wanted to give "living water" and "living water" is "semen" and all men have "living water" to give. Through their penises. But only to women. This thing has to be a Poe. Especially the question they publish about whether it's okay for guys to drink each others' semen and the accompanying proof text from the David/Jonathan story. Although, for the record, it doesn't take much reading between the lines to think David and Jonathan were more than friends, if you catch my drift. I have officially emailed the people who wrote the site and said, "Is this a joke? Please let me know." However, I link to it for your amusement. Especially since I've seen plenty of wacky justifications for Christians having all the sweet, sweet blow jobs and butt-loving they want, regardless of their marital status... Also, it totally does get that subtext of, "Women are only here for the sexual pleasure of men and really should spend most of their time figuring out how to look pretty and pleasure their man," down. If this is a Poe I've got to give them props. Honestly, I hope it is a Poe. I would totally hang out with the people that came up with this thing.