Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The 28 Year-Old Virgin

So I’ve never had sex. Hell, I’ve never been in the same room as a member of the female gender who wasn’t more or less fully clothed. And I’m not gay, so, y’know, no loopholes there… There are good reasons for that, I suppose. For the first twenty-five or so years of my life I believed that sex outside of marriage would result in god being, like, really really mad. Then when I hit the point where that stopped being an issue I was still with Her. And nothing would have happened there, due to her still being pretty serious about the no sex outside of marriage thing, me not being willing to do anything manipulative, creepy, or otherwise indecent, and us being in a position where we were pretty much starting to despise each other, anyway. There was the time spent dealing with the fallout of that whole thing when I really wasn’t particularly interested in relationships anyway. And, of course, with all the need to run around and constantly freak out over Obama turning our country in to a Homosexual Islamofascist Socialist police state it just hasn’t come up lately.* Anyway, now that I’ve got that admission out of the way, I’m sure that everyone is going to stop visiting my blog. After all, anyone who has made it past his 28th birthday without having sex must be somehow defective as a human being. I’m certain that my lack of experience at the horizontal hokey-pokey also means that I don’t have any valid things to say on the subject of history, religion, baseball, or music. Oh, shit. I just realized I’d better hope I don’t piss off any nutso right-wing bloggers, either. They might track me down, tell everyone my real name, then call my company to tell my secret. I’ll get fired when HR realizes that this one detail about my sexual background completely negates all my skills and the work I’ve done over the last year. See, from what I’ve been given to understand by the larger world, there’s something wrong with me. We all know that a “boy” becomes a “man” the moment he first bumps uglies. So any guy who has made it deep in to his twenties without doing so must still not be a “man.” Then, of course, there’s the whole premise of the movie The 40 Year-Old Virgin. It starts out with this whole picture of Steve Carrell’s character as a deeply socially awkward loser who can’t seem to get anywhere with his life and doesn’t seem to try. His friends discover he’s a virgin and immediately set out to change that over his protests. Meanwhile, Carrell’s character is an avid collector of action figures. What happens over the course of the movie? He sells his collection off. I’m pretty sure the only way the metaphor could have been more obvious was if he traded in his closet full of Garanimals for suits. The thing is, I highly doubt that I could walk up to most of the people I know and say, “I’ve never had sex,” and get a, “Yeah, I’d always assumed so.” I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s some sort of virgin vibe or scent that I’ve never been able to detect. Or maybe it’s something I don’t recognize because I don’t really care that much. I don’t know if it’s me, but I really don’t care about anybody else’s sex life. I’m not ashamed of it, either. Maybe it’s a glitch of growing up fundagelical, when it was assumed that no one was having sex. Then again, Christians can be pretty obsessed with the sex lives** of others. And I’ll bet that a lot of people were sneaking off to have sex on retreats and missions trips, too. Chances are I’d be surprised to find out who it was and who it was with if I ever found out. But chances are I never will. It’s none of my business. I suppose you’re wondering why I’m telling you all of this. I’ve got an ongoing joke that I’d be in really big trouble if I was gay, since I don’t have a gay-dar. This isn’t true. I’ve actually got a pretty good gay-dar, it’s just rarely turned on. My basic theory is that the only reason to give a flying crap about someone else’s sex life is if I’m planning on trying to get myself involved in their sex life. And, well, that doesn’t really come up too often… The whole issue of gay rights and the involvement of LGBT people in society has been around a lot. I’m sure everyone has noticed. I was thinking about this the other day and realized that the conversation, at least from people who are against things like gay marriage and gays in the military and whatnot really don’t get it. There’s far more to a person than sex, regardless of who he or she wants to have sex with and how. Yet to hear the rhetoric, you’d think that all a gay guy does all day is try to find places to put his penis, whether or not the owners of those places are in to it. Honestly, I don’t get it. I think it’s stupid. I think it would be fantastic if we could figure out how to get past that. Sadly, though, I think the fact that my own attitudes about the sex lives of others is probably a glitch among the deeply religious means that it will take a while for that to happen. -------------------------------- *And Geds makes a really subtle impotence joke at his own expense… **Good. Fucking. Night. The link on this one popped up when I decided to see what would happen if I Googled "women sex god." I honestly cannot figure out if it's a Poe, but it's so very fucked up that I figured I'd share it anyway. First of all, the link I put up commits the standard logic fail of claiming that having anal sex with a girl is okay because she's still a virgin afterward. There's no breaking of the hymen, after all. And we can totally ignore the fact that guys only have one penis through the power of double-standards and not mentioning simply biological facts. There's the threesomes link, in which we learn that it's okay to have threesome as long as the only gay shit is between two chicks and there is a marriage involved. Then there's the oral sex link, wherein we learn that's a-ok because (are you ready?) Jesus wanted to give "living water" and "living water" is "semen" and all men have "living water" to give. Through their penises. But only to women. This thing has to be a Poe. Especially the question they publish about whether it's okay for guys to drink each others' semen and the accompanying proof text from the David/Jonathan story. Although, for the record, it doesn't take much reading between the lines to think David and Jonathan were more than friends, if you catch my drift. I have officially emailed the people who wrote the site and said, "Is this a joke? Please let me know." However, I link to it for your amusement. Especially since I've seen plenty of wacky justifications for Christians having all the sweet, sweet blow jobs and butt-loving they want, regardless of their marital status... Also, it totally does get that subtext of, "Women are only here for the sexual pleasure of men and really should spend most of their time figuring out how to look pretty and pleasure their man," down. If this is a Poe I've got to give them props. Honestly, I hope it is a Poe. I would totally hang out with the people that came up with this thing.

20 comments:

The Woeful Budgie said...

There's the threesomes link, in which we learn that it's okay to have threesome as long as the only gay shit is between two chicks and there is a marriage involved.

Really? Awwriiiiiiiiiight!

Um. Er. I mean...

Seriously, though? I call Poe. Though I'd be willing to bet the author is a former fundie: that verse from Jeremiah---while admittedly the most expert bit of biblical innuendo I've seen in perhaps my entire life---is just too obscure for any old blasphemous schmoe to pull out of one's ass. (Er. So to speak.)

Geds said...

Oh, wow. I missed that entire paragraph. You're right, though, it is a thing of beauty.

Now I need to go find me one of those backsliding maidens so I can avoid becoming a 29 year-old virgin...

BathTub said...

Sounds like a similar situation to mine, while growing up I was too religious, but also quite introverted, to take any of the opportunities that came my way. No longer religious but the opportunities aren't there anymore.

The hilarious thing is that I of course know plenty of ultra religious teens that got pregnant, and a few 'shotgun wedding' type of situations. So there were plenty of pious people 'getting some'. I was such a fool!

big a said...

Geds, I gotta say, I'm getting mixed signals here.

In a previous blog post you made it clear that the purpose of the Christian woman was to make sammiches and give blowjobs.
Here, you mention the blowjobs, but no sammiches? Has there been some anti-sammich paradigm shift I wasn't aware of?

Please advise!

Michael Mock said...

I was going to point out that "statistically unusual" is not the same thing as "abnormal", but - upon re-reading - it sounds like you know that already. So, um... never mind?

Geds: "I don’t know if it’s me, but I really don’t care about anybody else’s sex life. I’m not ashamed of it, either. Maybe it’s a glitch of growing up fundagelical, when it was assumed that no one was having sex."

My guess would be that it's more a glitch of being a fairly sensible person. You may have grown up with the assumption that people weren't having sex, but I'd bet good money that most of your peers grew up with the assumption that people weren't supposed to be having sex - which is not at all the same thing, and has the opposite effect in terms of encouraging/discouraging interest in the topic.

But, for the record, I never much cared what other people were or weren't doing, either. I think that had more to do with being an intensely private person than anything else, though.

Michael Mock

ExPatMatt said...

What people do with their naughty bits (even if they're doing nothing) is nobody's business but their own (and whoever they're doing it with, of course).

I honestly don't give a shit about anyone's sexual habits but my own (and my partner's).

Now, if you were getting all judgmental about something you had no experience of, then you'd get get called on it - like you would with anything else. And I assume that you'd expect and appreciate this.

PS. the first time's always shit (I had, like, fifty first times before I started doing it right!)

Geds said...

Wow. Who knew that declaring I think my former friends are liars and I've never had sex would result in such a surge in popularity? I feel like George in that one episode of Seinfeld where he realizes he's been doing everything wrong.

"I'm George, I'm unemployed, and I live with my mother."

big a:

No shift. Sammiches are still important. I believe the progression is sex, then sammich. Think of it as a holy trinity of blow job, butt sex, and BLTs...

Michael Mock:

Yeah. You're probably right about that distinction between, "They're not," and, "They're not supposed to."

Actually, one of the early indications of my split with Christianity was when I started identifying who the enforcers of orthodoxy were. That's surprisingly easy to do when enough people are on Facebook. You just look at the feeds and figure out who seems to spend time correcting other people's Facebook profiles and comments.

I identified a few of those and blackballed them, both online and in real life. None of them ever tried to tell me that I was doing this, that, or the other wrong, but if they had they would have received a semi-polite, "It's none of your damn business."

Matt:

Yeah, it's that "first time" that's still keeping me hesitant about the whole thing. I figure I'd want to be in a good place with someone so the, "Oh, so THAT's what that looks like up close," part isn't totally awkward...

jessa said...

Okay, so from context I get that "Poe" is some slang meaning something along the lines of "spoof." Is there anymore I should know? I'm really bad at slang.

Geds said...

Oh, yeah, I see "Poe" so much I forget that not everyone knows what it means.

"Poe" comes from "Poe's Law," which basically states that Christian fundamentalists are so bizarre that any attempt at satire is virtually indistinguishable from an honest depiction from someone within the group. It's not quite as popular as Godwin yet, but it's certainly catching on.

(Um, Godwin's Law is that contentious discussion strings on the internet will inevitably result in someone invoking Hitler, at which point the discussion is over. Just in case anyone doesn't know that...)

ExPatMatt said...

Hitler was a virgin.


/discussion.

Geds said...

I'm so glad I read that as I was lifting my tea mug off my desk, not about five seconds later...

Anonymous said...

When you and I were discussing Daisy de la Hoya, I thought about bringing this issue up. It's not as if I tell you what car to drive, honky. Good post, though.

Those links for Christian porn and such cracked me up. Me and Viz had a good idea about Christian porn, that promoted good family values and such. Then I read it on the internet. Go fig.

Geds said...

Um, what does the fact that I've never had sex have to do with Daisy De La Hoya looks plasticine and drug- and VD-addled? I might not have had sex, but I have a pretty good idea where I would want to start. And porn stars usually ain't on that list.

I also never told you that you weren't allowed to find her hot. You said you do, I said, "Okay, whatever."

ExPatMatt said...

Geds,

Forgive my presumptive advice-giving, I'm as clueless as the next guy really...

A good place to start would be to let any women you would potentially be interested in, know your experience level - make sure it's not someone you know or would care about if they got all judgmental about it.

They will probably find it novel and quite exciting that they get to 'coach' you through your first time (you could probably string these 'lessons' out for ages; 'nope, I don't think I've quite got the hang of that just yet, can we try again?').

A lot of women will find this far more attractive than a man who thinks he knows what he's doing but actually just pounds away until he falls asleep like he's been doing for the past decade.

The thing you have going for you is that you are more emotionally mature and will actually give a shit about the other person; that's +50 points right there.

It's not rocket science, every single one of your ancestors has done it for the last couple of billion years, so I'm sure you'll be fine.

Give it a go, at the end of the day, what have you got to lose?


Oh yeah, that.

;)



Cheers,

Geds said...

You I like.

In fact, between you and PF I'm now seriously considering joining the SMRT board just for the possibility of witty banter...

Anonymous said...

Hi Geds! This is the first time I've visited your blog. Interesting subject.

-lonespark

The Jesting Fool said...

Nothing wrong with being a 28 year-old virgin. Jesus was a virgin, right? Such a great person, that Jesus guy. Except he might have banged Mary Magdalene once or twice.

But seriously, you're definitely not alone in your sexual inexperience. Especially coming from a fundamentalist background. There's some pretty severe sexual taboos that get smashed into your head sometimes.

"Sex in Christ" made me laugh. There is no doubt about it: that's gotta be a Poe. There's simply no way it could be serious.

ExPatMatt said...

Yay, the recruiting drive continues apace!

Get yourself on over to the SMRT Foyer and introduce yourself, there are cookies by the teapot.

PS. forgive my lack of prior research, but how did you accidentally become a historian? What were you trying to be when you fell into that one?

Cheer,

Geds said...

Hi, lonespark. Good to see you. Um, you might want to consider reading other posts, though. This isn't a common point of discussion...

Jesting Fool:

Thanks for reminding me that I'm still modeling my life after Jesus. Maybe that's a loophole I can use.

Matt:

Basically, I've liked history since third grade. When I was figuring out college my plan was just to get a bachelor's and then move on to seminary so I could become a pastor. I chose history because I thought I'd be good at it.

By the time I graduated I wasn't ready to leave Christianity, but I had pretty much lost my desire for seminary. I did realize I missed studying history. So I started a blog and "Accidental Historian" seemed catchy.

I'd like to get a Masters and Ph.D one of these days, but for the moment I'm doing pretty well as an accidental business analyst...

James Sweet said...

If it makes you feel any better, I have not one but two friends who managed to make it past thirty without getting laid, who both finally "became a man" within the past three years.

In those cases, it was indeed social awkwardness rather than being a fundie for twenty-odd years, but still...