Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Heads Will Roll

Okay, seriously, why did I not know about this until now? Someone out there has been asleep at the wheel. Craig Ferguson narrated a thing on the ancient history of Scotland. Next you're going to tell me that Kristen Bell has put out a series of videos on the history of beer. I would purchase that at pretty much any price. So, y'know, if it hasn't been made someone should get around to doing it. Meanwhile, here's my theory. I mentioned Marty Casey* on my blog last week and for some unfathomable reason ended up getting linked from his home page for mind boggling reasons. So this week I'm going to see if I can expand my powers (and ignore all those times I mentioned, say, Local H or the Peacemakers and didn't get linked from their home pages) and get Kristen Bell's attention on the theory that she sits around Googling herself** and hoping, just hoping that somewhere out there a history blogger with a daily circulation of something less than 100 is using his practically non-existent platform to help her further her career. She will then fall in love with that non-celebrity history blogger for reasons that are not currently clear and then there will be something involving rainbows and ponies. I still haven't fully worked out the kinks. However, I'm going to repeatedly mention Craig Ferguson, since the place I'm most likely to see Kristen Bell is on his show (since I don't watch Heroes and am not actually particularly likely to watch anything Kristen Bell is in and, therefore, am not even entirely sure why I know who she is). I have therefore decided that they are good friends and he'd introduce me to her at some point. By the way, this entire post is a good example of why I shouldn't blog while sleep-deprived. Also, I've now created a game. Say for some inexplicable reason an extremely famous person starts dating you. What's the funniest way a tabloid could introduce you to the world? I'm going with, "Geds, a non-celebrity history blogger and orange juice aficionado from just outside Chicago." -------------------------------- *By which I mean "declared Marty Casey a god and told people repeatedly to buy Heavy Crown." Poh-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe... **There's a very tasteless joke in there somewhere.


Anonymous said...

I don't get why you love Kristen Bell so much. She's pure evil, and not the good kind. As I told you last winter, her vagina is as cold as Chicago in December. Hayden Pannetiere, however, I would plow till next July. Once I watch The Hangover, the next movie I find online will surely be "I Love You, Beth Cooper".

Fiat Lex said...

Anyway, Kristen Bell's character is really, truly dead, which is a rare thing on Heroes. I will say that I have no evidence that Kristen Bell the person, as opposed to Elle the character, is unlikeable in any way. Elle the character managed to be just sympathetic enough that I wanted to care, yet just stupid and selfish and whiny enough that I couldn't.

And Marty Casey linking you is just more proof of his awesome niceness, in addition to his ability to rock. "Do you like to rock? We like to rock! Hello, Baltimore!"

big a said...

I was blindsided aswell.

Probably because it was made in 1994, long before you, I, or almost anyone else was really terribly aware of the existence of Craig Ferguson in the States.

Michael Mock said...

Heh. "Michael Mock, underpaid public servant and aspiring author from Dallas, Tx, was recently seen in the company of {I dunno, some celebrity or other}."

This would inevitably be followed by: "Michael Mock, recently rumored to be dating celebrity X, was found dead at his home in Dallas this morning. His heart had apparently been carved out with a plastic spork. His wife denies any knowledge of the cause of death. 'Maybe he was eating ice cream and he slipped,' she told police."

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's how it would go down.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic, Michael. :-D

"Hayden Panettiere, fresh off the debut of her box office smash hit "I Love You, Beth Cooper", has been seen out and about with Chicago rock, booze, and laziness enthusiast [name withheld]. Upon finding out that Hayden is avidly bisexual, [name withheld]'s girlfriend wholeheartedly endorsed the fling and announced plans for the three of them to move permanently to the Cayman Islands, living off of Hayden's residuals. Producers of "Heroes" could not be reached for comment."