Random Thoughts About Stuff

First, and most importantly, I’ma be at Dallas CityArts Festival on Saturday.  Specifically, I’ll be at the Time Warner Stage at noon.  Because I’ll be telling a story.  Maybe two.  I really don’t know.  But it will be a non-zero number that probably doesn’t reach three.

Apparently the festival is free but parking is $12.  That’s where they get ya’.

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So I’ve decided to go back to church.  Apparently there’s a 3:2 ratio of women to men and no real difference in sexual activity between the religious and the non-religious.

Although it seems fundamentalist men report having more sexual partners than non-religious men.  Also, it was a survey of college students.

I, uh, I didn’t do a very good job of getting laid in college (or high school.  Or grade school.  Or last year[1]).  And my atheist next-door neighbor in college got WAY more action than I did.  So I’m gonna think through this one for a little while.

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Now that we’ve had yet another vocal anti-gay Conservative Christian outed in a hilarious manner, I’ve decided we need to create a new system to make sure everyone knows where the vocally anti-gay leaders currently are.  It’s a simple numbering system:

1.  Not Yet Outed
2.  Offically Outed
3.  “Relapse” in 5…4…3…

So say you’re reading a newspaper article.  It will say something like, “Ted Haggard(3) is back in the news thanks to Dr. George Rekers(2).”

Now, the thing to be aware of is that this doesn’t necessarily apply to all Conservative Christians.  Nor does it even apply to all Christians who aren’t so fond of teh gay.  It’s important to note that there’s a specific correlation between vocally and publically anti-gay and being found with a guy who advertises the size of his cock on an awesomely high-class website.[2]

Also, if you’ve got a guy talking about how powerful and alluring the gay lifestyle is and that we must resist this scheme of the Devil, that guy definitely deserves a number.  Because he most certainly does not know how a straight guy thinks.  See, your average straight guy looks at another guy and thinks, “Hey, look, it’s another guy.”  If you were to suggest to that straight guy that this other guy is about to take his pants off and start a party, that straight guy will immediately start thinking things like, “Oh, um, I think I forgot about that load of laundry that I just remembered I have to do.”

See, teh gay is only a powerfully alluring lifestyle if you happen to find people of your own gender sexually attractive.  If you don’t, then you won’t be lead astray.

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This, really, is one of those things I genuinely don’t get.  People’s idea of sexuality is just fucked up.  Especially the really out-there fundamentalist religious types.

I mean, seriously.  I have been basically flat-out offered sex.  I’ve also had at least one really manipulative but not-quite-obvious offer that I know of.  I’m also aware of a few other situations that could have fairly easily turned in to an offer (well, “fairly easily” being relative.  It requires an assumption that I wouldn’t do something massively stupid, which is probably not the bet you should ever take in that situation).  Apparently, as a guy, I’m supposed to be trying to stick it in anything that moves.  Yet I have not done so even with offers on the table because I didn’t really want to with the person in question.

Apparently this should mean I’m not a man or something.  I don’t get it.

Also, I’m guessing that has to be hard on/confusing for the woman in question.  I mean, let’s say that she’s taken to heart the idea that men are irrepressible horndogs who constantly want sex.  So she comes to me and says, “Hey…wanna go mess around?”

And I say, “No.”  Now, I could simply be not attracted to this person.  I could be attracted to her, but also see absolutely no relationship potential, and since I’m not a big fan of the one-night stand, I’m just saying, “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

However, since I’m supposed to be completely unable to control my sexual urges, by saying, “No,” the message I give is potentially one of two things: “You’re hideously disgusting,” or, “I’m gay.”[3]

Unhelpful sexual stereotypes are unhelpful to everyone.  There’s really no way around it.

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Also, last weekend's odd little foray back in to Christian music has proven to be oddly therapeutic.  When I left the church I put all that stuff away with the intention of never listening to it again.  But having listened to a bunch of Andrew Peterson and Kepano Green over the last few days I'm realizing that all of my reasons to not want to listen to it are basically moot.  I don't get that emotional, worship music rush any more.

Meanwhile, I noticed a strange side benefit.  I really like Matt Nathanson's Beneath These Fireworks.  I unfortunately managed to make a nearly 100% association between that album and a certain member of the female gender.[4]  I have been unable to really listen to Beneath These Fireworks because of said associations.  I played it this week and realized that those emotional associations had subsided considerably.

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[1]For the record, and since you didn’t ask, I have had offers.  They were just offers I could refuse.

[2]I really think the rentboy folks need to get on the horn with Newegg.  I mean, think of the sorting possibilities.  Start with height and build, then go on to important measurements.  After that you can sort by activities (y’know, luggage lifting, picture hanging, nothing dirty.  You’re just hiring some help.  Some muscular, shirtless help.  And I know I certainly felt better when my moving company sent me videos of my movers playing with themselves as part of the bid process.  It really helped build that all-important trust I needed as a guy who was nervous about letting strangers pick up his shit and drive it a thousand miles…)

[3]I actually worked with a woman in college who thought I was gay for the first couple months I knew her.  Ironically enough, it turned out she was a lesbian, but I’d never considered that possibility.  However, I did meet her girlfriend, who was basically a sitcom stereotype of a lesbian.  I totally didn’t put the two together, though.

It’s not so much that I don’t have a gaydar, it’s that I’m unconcerned about the sexual preferences of other people unless it’s someone that I would theoretically want to have sex with.  I worked with a gay guy for several months before someone explicitly pointed it out to me, at which point I wasn’t at all surprised.  Later on a co-worker made reference to a someone I worked with being quiet about being gay and I said, “Oh, you mean [that guy].”  She said, “No, everyone knows about him.  I’m talking about [other guy].”  At which point I thought, “Oh, duh.  That should have been pretty obvious.”

[4]If you really, really want to know, it's the most deeply autobiographical moment of this post from the story that caused me to want to launch The Repository.