FGtNAE: How to Spot and Deal with One, Part 3

The Humathologist’s Guide to Dealing with a North American Evangelist in the Wild

9. Dr. Offendo

Distinct Markings: placards, three piece suits, righteous indignation, cameras

Distinct Calls: “This does not please god!”

Habitat: anywhere there is a grave injustice being done to god or god’s people and a camera crew…

Habits: Dr. Offendo is basically Mr. Megaphone, but with an advanced degree in media savvy. Rather than a slouching slob hurling poorly thought out epithets in to a handheld device and being ignored by random passers-by, Dr. Offendo is a polished, well coiffed individual who for some reason has managed to get him- or herself regarded in the media as an expert on all things religious. Or, for a lower level Dr. Offendo (possibly a “Grad Student Offendo” or a “Preparing to Defend a Dissertation Offendo”), YouTube is the place and they’ve created a collection of long-winded videos with fifteen page comment threads filled with random, partially illiterate ad hominem attacks against people with names like “goddude45” and “sciencemaster.”

Either way, Dr. Offendo doesn’t like the way things are going. Whether its abortion, pornography, or the way that people keep insisting that evolution is “scientifically accurate” and Intelligent Design “isn’t,” Dr. Offendo is pissed and you need to listen. Because, in case you were wondering, religion is mostly supposed to be about who can be more loudly and publicly indignant that the world isn’t being run according to their ideals.

If Dr. Offendo could get away with wearing a cape over his or her impeccably chosen wardrobe and spout off a nonsense catch phrase before entering a room and laying a verbal beating on some evil, scheming heathen, he or she would. Dr. Offendo would also refer to Dr. Offendo in the third person if it were socially acceptable, just so that everyone knows it was Dr. Offendo who arrived to save the day. Dr. Offendo also wants you to know Dr. Offendo’s name so that you can be sure to thank Dr. Offendo and Dr. Offendo can humbly deflect all attention in the general direction of that god fellow who’s the real power behind Dr. Offendo’s general awesomeness.

What to do when Encountering: The easiest thing to do when encountering Dr. Offendo is to turn off the TV. Chances are that’s where you’re seeing the good doctor, as he or she would not deign to be in the presence of anyone who could possibly damage his or her reputation (with the exception of hookers and drug dealers). Should you be running in to Grad Student Offendo’s crappy YouTube videos, just click on the related links about teenagers skateboarding in to things. You’ll be much happier.

If you actually run in to Dr. Offendo in the wild, chances are that you’re gay, a porn star, or a Democrat. Either that or you happen to live in between the latest BattleCry stadium event and your town’s city hall and you’re about to get run over by their peaceful, completely non-political march on city hall. If you’re really lucky you work in said city hall’s permit office and are the target of hate mail because of your persecution of Dr. Offendo’s latest shenanigans due to your insistence that even idiotic, self-important Christians have to follow the laws of the nation and be courteous to their neighbors (but, of course, Dr. Offendo will tell you that the Christians answer to a higher authority and we all know that the Bible says absolutely nothing about having to listen to civil authorities…). If you’re in this position, um, may we suggest curling up in the fetal position and begging for death’s sweet, sweet sting? See, unlike Mr. Megaphone, Dr. Offendo rarely gives up and usually has minions who are more than willing to organize letter writing campaigns, demonstrations, and house eggings. If the fetal position thing doesn’t work for some reason, try to witness a mob hit, as you’ll get a free identity makeover courtesy of the United States government and all it will cost is your life as you know it. But, let’s be honest, Dr. Offendo has just made your life as you know it really, really shitty.

10. The Flag Waver

Distinct Markings: Flag lapel pins, flag t-shirts, flag-colored Bible covers

Distinct Calls: “We are a Christian nation!” “We are god’s chosen people!”

Habitat: pretty much anywhere.

Habits: The Flag Waver believes in neither god nor country. He or she instead believes in a mutated bastard hybrid known as god’n’country. The Flag Waver has actually managed to confuse a modern, New World nation on a continent that no one in Eurasia knew existed two thousand years ago with ancient Israel. The more learned among the Flag Waver crowd will spend their time asking important questions like, “Why is America not mentioned in the book of Revelation?” [Editor’s note: The appropriate answer to that question is, “Because you’re an idiot.” Yes, it technically doesn’t answer the question, but, hey, a stupid question doesn’t really require an on-topic answer. Also, the fact that I didn’t actually make that question up is living proof that yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as a stupid question.]

Since the Flag Waver believes in god’n’country, anyone who doesn’t believe in god thereby isn’t a patriot and should be belittled at best or executed for treason at worst. Anyone who isn’t part of the country, by default, doesn’t actually believe in god, or, at least, the right god. For the record, the Flag Waver probably hasn’t left the country or met someone who doesn’t believe in their god.

What to do when Encountering: Walk away or something. It’s certainly not worthwhile to try to reason with the Flag Waver, as reason hopped on a plane to Shangri-La long ago. Try to avoid taking any controversial stances. Avoid looking like a Muslim or having a middle name that makes you sound kind of like a terrorist or Middle Eastern dictator. If you’re lucky you won’t get waterboarded. Also, wear a flag, but probably not a bacon flag…

11. The Anti-Abortion Activist (A-AA) [Editor’s note: Thanks, Fiat Lex.]

Distinct Markings: really big pictures of aborted fetuses on placards.

Distinct Calls: “Murderers!”

Habitat: street corners, “abortion clinics,” college campuses

Habits: In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the A-AA seems to think that holding up grisly pictures of aborted fetuses and calling random passersby--most of whom have probably never had an abortion and probably never will--murderers is a good way of making friends and influencing people. Either that or they know it will only cause “persecution” and bind the followers together. One thing’s for damn sure, it actually has very little to do with actually stopping abortion. Because, really, without abortion who would there be to demonize?

[Editor’s Note: There’s also a rarely seen close relative to the A-AA that doesn’t really deserve a separate entry. This is the Anti-Homosexuality Activist. The A-HA fully intends to march about with placards depicting scenes of hard-core man-on-man anal penetration, but he’s on the internet doing the necessary research to find the absolutely perfect picture to let everyone know just how horrible and degrading and evil that wonderful terrible, sinful activity is.]

What to do when Encountering: It’s best to react with a combination of horror and amusement. Seriously. First off, the whole thing about finding those pictures to put on placards is horrifying. I mean, what kind of sick fuck actually goes to the effort of putting together that sort of campaign? How absolutely desensitized to horrifying imagery do you have to be to assemble such a thing, probably in the presence of your own children? What kind of message is that sending? And, really, does anybody see those things and think, “Oh, what a horrible thing to do to little babies, we should stop abortion forever, I hate abortion,” or to they think, “Oh, what a horrible thing to hold up next to a public motorway, I hate those people for making me look at that?” Also, on a similar note, I have yet to see anyone wandering the streets with pictures of horribly mangled and disfigured children and a message about donating money to cleaning up land-mines in war-ravaged African nations…

The amusement, meanwhile, comes from the completely misguided nature of the protests themselves. Everyone gather around, as it’s story time.

My first close encounter with the A-AA was on a college campus. They were there with their disgusting placards and horrid literature for what seemed like a week, gathering at key intersections of foot traffic and in the places where people were most likely to pass. They were shouting up a storm at the students in their late teens and early twenties who were doing their absolutely best to ignore the horror and stupidity of the scene and get on with their daily activities. And what were these activities? Was it classes? Sports? Studying for exams? Nope, it was a five-day international missions conference for college students hosted by an international para-church organization that itself has a strong anti-abortion stance. By the time they were done I wanted to get an abortion, just to make a point.

My most recent run-in wasn’t really direct contact, but it was hilariously misguided, and made even more so by the fact that I didn’t have to see their horrid, horrid pictures. Planned Parenthood was opening a facility down in Aurora, IL (Excellent. Sorry, couldn’t resist the Wayne’s World reference). As we all know, that means only one thing: abortions. Some group decided that they were going to protest with a clever, two-front strategy.

First, they were going to gather a group and march around the site of the planned facility seven times. Y’know, like Joshua and the Battle of Jericho. If that doesn’t make any sense, it’s because you’re not looking at the situation right. See, the Battle of Jericho was in the Bible. It’s also in the Bible (somewhere, we’ve got top people working on it right now. Top people) to not commit abortion. Therefore, since both are in the Bible, you can easily juxtapose one with the other and it’s all good. Oh, and they couldn't actually get a permit to do what they wanted, so they divided in to seven groups, each of which marched around the site once. Same difference, right?

Second, they ran an anti-Planned Parenthood publicity campaign in which they claimed that they weren’t protesting PP itself. They were protesting the fact that it was being opened under false pretenses. See, some sort of property management company was the name on the lease and the name applying for the permits. By that logic, we should be marching circles around every single Taco Bell and KFC that opens. Because, see, when a new KFC opens, the permits aren’t taken out in the name of KFC, they’re taken out by the holding corporation operated by Yum! Brands, the owners of the KFC and Taco Bell brand names.

Meanwhile, at no point did the A-AAs in question actually stop to realize that their ridiculous media campaign was completely and totally undermining the entire point of their protest. If you’re going to stand up and try to stop something on moral grounds, make sure that you pick a defensible moral ground. “We’re against abortion” works. “We’re against common business practice but only choose to exercise our opinion in this one specific case” really doesn’t.

So, if there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s that this is how you deal with an Anti-Abortion Activist who has cornered you: Throw a rock in to a nearby bush. When they distractedly turn to look at it, grab the placard out of their hand. They’ll immediately decide that you’re one of them. Carry the placard through the picket line, then, once you’ve gotten to the other side, drop it and run. Oh, and bright shiny objects and jangling keys probably work, too…

FGtNAE: How to Spot and Deal with One, Part 2

The Humathologist's Guide to Dealing with a North American Evangelist in the Wild 6. Answers for Everything Distinct Markings: usually some sort of Bible, probably a portable Bridge Diagram. Distinct Calls: "Do you know Jesus as your personal lord and savior?" Usual Habitat: any public space, newspaper letters to the editor columns, anywhere somebody's wrong on the internet. Habits: Answers for Everything is similar to Conversation Guy, except that Answers isn't here to even pretend to have a conversation. He or she is simply here to tell you what's what. Answers is someone who is either well schooled or thinks they are well schooled in the esoteric arts known as apologetics, a once respected theological and philosophical practice that, like everything, was ruined once it went from a theoretical to a practical exercise and was given over to idiots who don't know how to apply thinking and believe parroting someone else is the best way to do things. (See also anyone who quotes Nietzsche on the internet or applies Godwin's Law any time Nazis are mentioned.) Answers for Everything is usually someone who has been a North American Evangelist (or Evangelist in Training) for so long or was so easily influenced by one that they have completely and totally bought in to the party line. Any issue that you may have with one of their beliefs has a simple and logical explanation and they will be shocked, SHOCKED when you do not see things their way. Anthropologists working around the clock since 1987 have come to the conclusion that Answers for Everything simply lives in a different world than the rest of us. So if you encounter one, it's your own damn fault because it's probably through sheer force of will that you managed to manifest one. You might have some deep-seated issues to work through. It's also entirely possible that Answers for Everything arrives in the same way that Beetlejuice, Candlejack, and Bloody Mary arrive, so try not to say the word Jesus three times while staring in to a mirror in a dark room. What to do when Encountering: Close your eyes and count to ten. If they don't disappear in to the ether, try to see how much fun you can have. Step 1. Try to see if you can get Answers to drop the name of the church he or she attends. Step 2. Try to work Answers back to the default, end-all, be-all answers for everything answer, which usually something to the effect of, "Some Christians just don't get it." Step 3. Say, "Yeah, I used to go to a church, but left when I realized that they totally didn't get the real Christianity." Answers will probably then ask you where you went to church. Give them the name of the church from Step 1. Step 4. Enjoy the awkward backpedaling. [Editor's Note: Answers for Everything is especially fun when it's someone who attended the same church you did and they pull the, "Well, some Christians just get it wrong," card. The possibilities for dealing with that are endless. I hope one day to have a conversation that involves the other person saying, "So does that mean you got it wrong?"] 7. The Asshole for Jesus Distinct Markings: A general air of undeserved superiority. Distinct Calls: "Well, you'll know how it works at Judgment Day." Usual Habitat: public spaces, newspaper letters to the editor, anywhere somebody's wrong on the internet. Habits: If Answers for Everything is a cute little kid pointing a toy six-shooter at you and saying, "Bang, I got you!" then the Asshole for Jesus is some guy sticking a Glock in your face and demanding your wallet. If Answers for Everything is a birth mark like that mole that upgraded Cindy Crawford from "model" to "supermodel," then the Asshole for Jesus is malignant melanoma. If Answers for Everything is that hot girl you brought home from the bar last night after a few too many shots of Maker's Mark, then Asshole for Jesus is the horse-faced VD incubator in your bed the next morning who now knows exactly where you live. If Answers for Everything is a basic arithmetic worksheet then Asshole for Jesus is waking up the morning of a calculus final and realizing you don't remember a thing because you were too busy drinking Maker's Mark and bringing ugly girls home from the bar the night before. If...well, I think you get the point. Eh, one more. If Answers for Everything is winning a free car, Asshole for Jesus is discovering that you're getting a Yugo and you have to pay to get it shipped from Serbia or someone's going to break your kneecaps. Anyway, lest anyone feels they've missed my point, Asshole for Jesus is basically Answers for Everything, but rather than being wrapped up in a kind of cuddly, amusingly naive package, it's the much less attractive package of, say, the internet troll or, like, a regular troll of the "lives under bridges and eats people" variety. Logic will not apply in any "conversation" and neither will the rules of interaction in a polite society. The only saving grace of the Asshole for Jesus is that there's an extremely good chance that all of the self-assured, aggressive language is simply a thin veneer to cover the Asshole for Jesus's own massive doubts about what's going on. Barring that, the Asshole for Jesus is also usually impatient and more focused on "winning" the discussion than actually doing a damn thing to help your poor heathen soul get in to Heaven. It's probably best if you don't get in to Heaven, anyway. If they keep letting just anybody in it will hurt property values... What to do when Encountering: Your best bet is to get to endgame as quickly as possible. Endgame, for those who don't know, is the point when the Asshole for Jesus officially washes his or her hands of you with a stock phrase about how crappy an eternity in Hell is going to be, something relating to Judgment Day, or a poorly conceived comparison between your existence and the story of Sodom and Gomorrah [Fun Fact: Jewish interpretation of that story is that Yahweh was pissed at ol' S&G not because of all the hot man-on-man action, but because they were exceptionally poor hosts, what with all that gang rape they were planning on engaging in. One presumes that if god simply went off willy-nilly and sent fire from Heaven to fry everyone who engaged in the love that dare not speak its name Western civilization would be impoverished from the complete lack of Greece, Rome, and the heterosexual pair bonding made possible by Queer Eye for the Straight Guy]. Basically, you're going to have to out-asshole the Asshole for Jesus. This shouldn't actually be too difficult, since your sparring partner is, at least in theory, acting as a public representative for a guy who got beaten to a bloody pulp and nailed to a dead tree for his crazy ideas about loving each other and being self-sacrificing while you are simply representing you and you're already at the bottom of the Asshole for Jesus's shitlist, what with being a heathen/Muslim/Catholic/wrong variety of fundamentalist evangelical. So go ahead, break out all that stuff you've always wanted to say to your boss, your ex, your friend who just doesn't get the hint that you don't like him but is really too pathetic to deserve a good telling off, Ben Affleck, or whoever. If there is a god, he or she will probably understand, since the Asshole for Jesus was probably put on this earth specifically to act as a pressure release valve for the rest of us. [Editor's Note: We're hoping that by this time tomorrow we're going to be the top of the Google hit list for anyone who happens to do a search for the phrase "Asshole for Jesus." It appears fifteen times in this entry. Why anyone would bother to do that search is currently awaiting explanation. Update: It worked!] 8. Mr. Megaphone Distinct Markings: a megaphone, probably some placards decrying abortion, homosexuality, alcohol, interracial dating, unmarried couples holding hands, etc. Also, some varieties will drag their poor families along and have them stand off to the side without speaking for reasons we still can't understand. Distinct Calls: "You're all going to Hell!" "[Insert bugaboo hear] is hated by the lord!" "Judgment is upon you!" "Repent, sinners!" Usual Habitat: busy intersections, college quads. Habits: Mr. Megaphone (and it's almost invariably a mister. Mrs. Megaphone probably isn't allowed to speak in public and is probably told that the megaphone is too complicated for her tiny, feminine brain to handle and she's doing much better with that spatula. Also, Mrs. Megaphone might have been dumb enough to marry Mr. Megaphone, but she's probably way too smart to stand on a corner telling people they're going to Hell, anyway) doesn't like all that sinning he imagines the people around him are doing. He's utterly convinced that YOU are on your way to participate in a gay orgy after getting a quicky abortion down at the Planned Parenthood clinic (which, for the record, exists only to perform abortions, just in case you were wondering. In fact, if you walk in the door, even to ask for directions down to the corner of Oak Street and Hampton Boulevard they make you have a "just in case" abortion. They probably also eat babies. That's why it's called Planned Parenthood, after all. Because everyone knows that the last thing a parent wants is children). Mr. Megaphone is basically an Asshole for Jesus, but with a megaphone. Also, he's almost entirely impervious to any counter argument, since he's got a megaphone and we all know that the louder party wins automatically. What to do when Encountering: Ignore him. Seriously, we can't stress this enough. The latest research indicates Mr. Megaphone is some sort of being of pure energy that is only capable of taking corporeal form when powered by waves of hatred emanating from a crowd of angry sinners. He compensates for this physical impairment by traveling around and attempting to find crowds to feed his insatiable lust for hate energy (which our researchers call "hatergy"). When Mr. Megaphone is ignored he usually simply disappears. Should you find a place where Mr. Megaphone is surrounded by a crowd that seems unwilling to disperse, though, try to combat the hatergy with love. We suggest putting on the smallest skirt and tightest top you can find and making out with another member of your gender while standing directly beside Mr. Megaphone. If you and your same-sex partner are attractive girls, everyone will love you and they'll probably stop paying attention to Mr. Megaphone. If you and your same-sex partner are guys, well, you'll get major style points and probably end up on the cover of your college's newspaper. Plus, you just might chase everyone away. Hey, a win's a win, right?

FGtNAE: How to Spot and Deal with One, Part 1

The Humathologist’s Guide to Dealing with a North American Evangelist in the Wild

1. The Tract Dropper

Distinct Markings: None that we know of.

Distinct Calls: None that we know of.

Usual Habitat: Bookstores, libraries.

Habits: The Tract Dropper is the hardest of all the North American Evangelists to spot. It is easy to figure out where the Tract Dropper has been, however, as he or she leaves behind a string of brightly colored pamphlets about how you can know that Jesus is god because its in the Bible and the Bible says the Bible is true or how Dungeons and Dragons leads inevitably to a life of Satan worship (when we all know that Dungeons and Dragons actually inevitably leads to a life of prolonged virginity). But upon leaving these markings behind, the Tract Dropper simply disappears.

It’s currently believed that these pamphlets are part of an elaborate mating ritual, as evidenced by the fact that they most often appear in books like The Illustrated Kama Sutra and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sex. However, the tendency of pamphlets to also appear in books read by children, mostly the Harry Potter series, leads to certain speculation about the sexual peculiarities of this sub set.

What to do when Encountering: This shouldn’t be an issue. You will probably never see a Tract Dropper in the wild. However, should you come across one of their pamphlets, please remove it to the nearest rubbish bin. The bookstore employees or librarians will be quite appreciative…

2. The Note Leaver

Distinct Markings: pens, big fake smiles

Distinct Calls: “God bless you,” “Have a blessed day”

Usual Habitat: Mid-level sit-down restaurants.

Habits: The Note Leaver is a close relative to the Tract Dropper, except often visible in the wild. The main problem with dealing with the Note Leaver, however, is that, much like the Tract Dropper, you won’t know you are dealing with one until after they have appeared and left. The Note Leaver will give to their server at a restaurant a note indicating that god loves them and that the service was appreciated. This note is often left in lieu of a tip and, therefore, a real pain in the ass to servers who have to split 60-40 with the busboys and still make rent.

What to do when Encountering: Hope like hell that the Note Leaver is on a date and accompanied by a non-Evangelist type like The Embarrassed Boyfriend. They will often leave higher tips to make up for the stupidity the note. [Editor’s Note: This may or may not be written out of personal experience.]

3. The Tract Tosser

Distinct Markings: handfuls of colorful pamphlets about religion and such.

Distinct Calls: “Um, excuse me, uh, do you, uh, do you know Jesus as your personal lord and savior?”

Usual Habitat: Somewhere close to the front door of that building you want to get in to.

Habits: The Tract Tosser is usually some poor schmuck who got roped in to an evangelism event. Chances are that the Tract Tosser didn’t realize what the event was or thought that a particular attractive member of the opposite gender was going to be there and that person did not show (as it is often the case that most such events are preceded by a large portion of the group saying, “Oh, that? Yeah, it sounds like fun. I’m thinking of going,” and followed by, “Oh, that? Sorry I didn’t make it. My, um…my grandma…uh…died. Yeah. It…it was tragic. What’s that? No. I have three grandmas. Really. Long story…”). Another possibility is that the Tract Tosser was talked in to it by someone who was questioning his or her fundamental salvation. The Tract Tosser doesn’t want to be keeping you from the mall or the Blimpie or the tire store or whatever any more than you want to be kept.

What to do when Encountering: Remember, the Tract Tosser is more afraid of you than you are of him. You can usually walk by without making eye contact. Should you feel the need, grab an offered pamphlet and drop it in the nearest rubbish bin. If you’re the sort who can’t not respond, remember that the answer to the question of whether Jesus is your personal lord and savior is always, always, “Yes.” If the answer actually is yes, then hey, you’re telling the truth. If it isn’t, well, nobody knows and the Tract Tosser will feel better. Also, you’re going to Hell, anyway, so one more lie won’t hurt. It’s kind of like eating a Skittle after consuming an entire Cheesecake Factory cheesecake…

4. The Evangi-Dater

Distinct Markings: ostentatious Jesus-y jewelry and accouterments.

Distinct Calls: “Jesus told me to buy you a drink.” [Editor’s Note: I think I’m gonna use that one this weekend…]

Usual Habitat: Bars, internet dating sites, coffeeshops, wherever people find dates.

Habits: The Evangi-Dater generally thinks that they can have fun and let people know ‘bout the love of Jesus all at the same time. He or she wants to have fun, be a good influence and still feel like they’re doing the right thing and believe they will eventually, through the fine art of nagging, picking fights, and complaining, get their poor, unsaved partner in to Heaven. It’s kind of like every other relationship, except instead of an unreachable and arbitrary personal ideal the partner has to live up to an unreachable and arbitrary Jesus-y ideal.

What to do when Encountering: It’s your call. Bear in mind that while statistics indicate your odds of getting laid aren’t significantly different with a regular relationship compared to an Evangi-Dater relationship, your odds of having to deal with lots of follow-up guilt and being guilt tripped in to going to some annoying cookie-cutter megachurch service on Sunday mornings are significantly higher.

5. Conversation Guy/Gal

Distinct Markings: Bible, probably some sort of Jesus t-shirt and cross necklace.

Distinct Calls: “Hey, what do you think of that book you’re reading?”

Usual Habiat: airplanes, coffeeshops, parks, anywhere conversations can be started.

Habits: The Conversation Guy tries to find things to talk about with complete strangers in public. He (or she) will generally show up asking innocuous questions that somehow turn in to a discussion about spiritual things. Sometimes they start out that way, too, but it’s far more common to be having a completely normal conversation about the book you’re reading, then have it suddenly turn in to an uncomfortably personal question about the state of your personal well-being. At other times Conversation Guy will conspicuously read the Bible in public, undoubtedly hoping that someone will show up and say, “Hey, what’s that? Why are you reading it? Will you help me to use your strange, foreign object created by moveable type and a paper binding device to help me find all the secrets of the universe?”

As the great sage Jim Gaffigan once said, “It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not, does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, ‘I’d like to talk to you about Jesus?’” Sadly, Conversation Guy never got around to listening to Jim Gaffigan. It would seem he also didn’t get the memo that the North American Evangelist is actually supposed to be uncomfortable sharing their faith, or got it and crumpled it up. In another life, Conversation Guy would be selling vacuums door-to-door and really, really enjoying it.

What to do when Encountering: Pretend to be deaf and blind. Should Conversation Guy, say, run in to you while you’re watching the newest episode of Burn Notice on your Creative Zen Vision:W and sitting on a plane, you might be in trouble.

If it’s just conspicuous Bible reading person [Editor’s Note: yeah, it’s entirely possible to read something conspicuously. Just trust me on this], you’re in luck. If you act uninterested, there’s a chance you’ll be able to avoid conversation long enough to avoid having to have that uncomfortable conversation.

In general, however, your best bet is to avoid sitting next to strangers on a plane. Unless the stranger is a really attractive Evangi-Dater/Conversation Guy/Girl hybrid. At that point you know the risks and rewards…

FGtNAE: Historical Interpretation

The North American Evangelist is a relatively new phenomenon in the annals of the International Society for Human Interaction Tabulation. Many humathologists, both novice and experienced have discovered, much to their dismay, that these seemingly harmless creatures are capable of causing great harm, both when cornered and after surprising and pouncing upon an unexpecting observer. We at ISHIT have, therefore, endeavored to create a guide to help in dealing with the North American Evangelist. Be aware, however, that even the best guide does not deal with all circumstances and care must be taken when in the presence of any Evangelist. This is more true than ever, since our fact-checker is currently in Maui with his secretary looking in to the possibility of hosting a national conference and that bottle of Johnny Walker Black on the lead editor’s desk has been emptying quicker than usual lately. HISTORY: The records on this topic are understandably nonexistent, but the first sighting of the North American Evangelist in the wild is believed to be at the ill-fated Roanoke colony. The story goes that one of the colonists approached a nearby tribe and engaged in the traditional mating call, which consisted of forcing the women to wear shapeless black clothing and the men to put buckles everywhere. The men in the tribe were totally pissed that all the tribal hotties had become notties overnight and feared that some sort of witch doctor was behind the whole putting buckles on things that weren’t belts fashion disaster. The Roanoke colony was never heard from again. It was believed at that time the North American Evangelist became extinct. In truth, they simply went in to hiding and spent the next century or two attempting to learn from their more successful cousin, the South American Evangelist. The significantly more adaptable South American Evangelist had managed to grow from only a tiny fraction of the population to the dominant creature through the creative use of guns, destruction of property, and a tendency to take as much gold as possible. It’s believed that this gold was then fashioned in to dentures and used to create shiny grills with which the South American Evangelist frightened and cowed any remaining opponents, mostly in accordance with an ancient Aztec prophecy that read, in part, “And the sun will come forth from the mouth of the Shapeshifter and with its power he shall change the world.” These words were written by the prophet Quetzalacatoo. It has now been definitively proven by modern scholarship that poor Quatzi, as his friends and ex-wives called him, was simply confused after he briefly fell through a time warp and spent a frightened evening hiding in the back of the Parker family’s Billings, Montana living room while they watched a Quantum Leap marathon. Some time around the year 1820 the North American Evangelist once again showed in force. They joined in great social gatherings. These herd-groups, called Revivals, are widely believed to have been useful in fending off packs of Unitarian predators. The Revivalists would meet in a big field, often with a tent or platform or (in the case of the richest of the groups) both. They sang songs, ranted about things, and probably had sex. The attempts to cover up this final activity is believed to be the birth of the modern idea that random noises and indistinct noises are what the Bible means when it refers to the concept of “speaking in tongues.” This postulation has not yet been proven. We currently have a half-dozen hookers on retainer as part of our ongoing, rigorous testing of that theory. That’s how committed we at ISHIT are to uncovering the truth. These revivals continued to be quite popular for the next century or so, although probably not as popular as war, sex, or dancing the lindy hop. The North American Evangelist then experienced the first great victory in the war on anybody else when the Temperance movement resulted in the prohibition of the consumption of alcohol. For the first time the laws of the United States of America were changed by the politicization of a random cultural more of a sub-group of the population. When, thanks to the tireless efforts of folk heroes and reformers like Al Capone and the mysterious Beer Baron, the prohibition laws were repealed, it was a serious blow. Still, the North American Evangelists vowed to make their presence felt once again one the world stage as soon as possible. Then the Great Depression happened and that world war thing and the Eisenhower Administration and all those years spent beating hippies over the head with heavy objects and they kind of blended in to the background. Today, in a nation where 92% of the population claims some sort of religious background, the vast majority of that Christian, one would think that the North American Evangelist is a dying breed. Yet one can still see them everywhere. There are many distinct varieties, so we’re going to help you figure out what kind of North American Evangelist you are seeing in your local mall, on the street corner, or the free speech circle at your major university. This guide is an attempt at a comprehensive explanation of the habits and habitats of the various varieties of the North American Evangelist. Within its pages you will find the distinct styles and identifying calls of the various subgroups, as well as advice on how best to deal with one if cornered. Again, though, remember ISHIT’s advice: if at all possible, do not approach. So, without further ado, we present to you The Humathologist’s Guide to Dealing with a North American Evangelist in the wild. On second thought, we would like some more ado. Hooray! Here it is! Yay!

FGtNAE: Be Yourself

Someone finds salvation in everyone Another only pain Someone tries to hide himself Down inside himself he prays Someone swears his true love until the end of time Another runs away Separate or united Healthy or insane And to be yourself is all that you can do --Audioslave, "Be Yourself" When I originally conceived of the Field Guide to North American Evangelists it was pretty much a gag. I was going to write a single post with various types of evangelists, how to identify them in the wild, and what to do in the event that you run in to one. I'm still totally going to do it, but I kind of had to talk myself in to it. In the end I decided to run with the original idea (and even expand upon it. I'm pretty sure it will be more than one post), but to attempt to moderate in the space around it. Evangelism is an extremely sticky issue. It's the sort of thing that casts fear in to the hearts of non-believers and believers alike. I honestly believe that most people on both sides of the evangelism equation hate dealing with it. For the evangelizee it's an imposition, an invasion of privacy. For the evangelizer it's often a compulsory duty, engaged in reluctantly. I've always found that a little weird. I evangelize all the time without thinking twice. I evangelize on the very pages of this blog. Lately it seems like not an entry has passed without a hearty recommendation for Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers, Local H, After Tamerlane, or Xenophon's Retreat. When Woeful Budgie left a comment that concluded with a mention that I'd helped create a new RCPM fan, my second thought compared the sudden urge to dance in my computer chair that to the joy which a believer is supposed to feel upon hearing of a new convert. So why is it that I can evangelize without trepidation in the name of Clyne when I never could in the name of Christ? Was it because I wasn't dedicated enough? Did I not have enough faith, enough love, enough courage? Had I wandered too far off the straight and narrow and in to the world? In case anyone was hoping for quick answers, I hate to disappoint you. I really don't know what it was. I don't think there are easy answers. Instead of trying to answer, I'd prefer to tell my story. Maybe in that I can shed some light on the question and, hopefully, reveal my own biases for later on when I do try to explain the motivations of evangelists dissimilar from myself. By the time I transferred out to Western Illinois, I'd kind of cut out a niche for myself as an outreach guy. I'd spent the previous five years working in various capacities at my church. My first year in my church's college group was the first year of a new pastor and I eagerly joined the ministry team. I was pumped up about the idea of reaching people for Jesus and always trying to come up with new ideas. Even when I switched over to junior high ministry the following year and quit the college ministry team I ended up working with the pastor to come up with outreach stuff on an ad hoc basis. I spent most of that five years frustrated by my fellow college students, however. Whenever the idea of evangelism came up they complained of not knowing any non-Christians and being too busy. I had no idea how anyone could be like that. This particular frustration was mitigated when I got out to school, though. I had a car, an off-campus job, and went to a school that had about the same size population as the town it was in and I spent most of my time on campus. I suddenly understood exactly why a bunch of students at a Christian college in the middle of one of the most Christian communities in the U.S. didn't know any non-Christians. I never figured out, however, why so few Christians I knew at my state school seemed to know any non-Christians. Still, I took it for granted that people would know non-Christians. I knew plenty, including some of my closest friends. One particular friend became my non-Christian pet project. I prayed for him, mentioned him whenever the issue of evangelism activity came up and tried to be an example to him (which, as I recall, mostly manifested itself in the form of disapproval of all of his various non-Christian activities. I'm honestly still amazed he's still my friend and one of my first acts after leaving the church was to apologize to him for being such an ass). Between the college and junior high ministries I got a lot of training in ministry in general and evangelism in specific. I went to seminars on various topics about group and church building and attended a massive evangelism conference at one point. My bookshelves quickly filled with books about the theory and practice of ministry, discipleship, evangelism, and inspirational books from those who had experienced success in growing their ministries. For all of my knowledge of outreach, however, I was often forced to admit that I wasn't really doing that much work at it. I consoled myself with the idea that I was mostly a motivator and teacher and I'd be more active in evangelism later. But in the rare moments I was honest with myself about the idea, I had to admit that the whole thing made me profoundly uncomfortable. In the last couple years before I went off to school the college group transitioned to a service evangelism mentality. This was where we did random things like give hot chocolate to commuters waiting for the train on cold winter mornings and somehow tried to work in the fact that we did it to share the love of Jesus. I rather liked the idea and stored it away in my mental rolodex. I headed out to school filled with visions of lighting my new campus ablaze for Jesus. Toward the middle of the fall semester I joined up with one of the on-campus ministries. They immediately figured out that I was pretty much on the ball. The leader of one of the small groups asked me to help out with evangelism in his section of the campus. Then I was selected as Outreach Coordinator for the entire group for the following year. That year didn't go well. Let's just get that out of the way right now. The leadership wasn't particularly well organized heading in to the school year, there were deep personal conflicts, the group as a whole was pretty apathetic, and we had a tendency to blame our lack of impact on the campus on the students we were supposed to be reaching. It was, to put it crudely, a giant clusterfuck of bad times. The truth was, though, that I was dragging my feet. I didn't particularly want to be running evangelism, but I didn't exactly want to admit that to myself. So I'd have meetings with my team and we'd come up with ideas and I'd try to goad the group in to activity. Meanwhile, other people on the leadership team tried to push me to do the exact sort of evangelism that I hated and when I resisted they just went around me and did it anyway. Three events in particular stand out: 1. The other leaders decided to have an evangelism training day. Their plan was to teach everyone how to write up their testimony, which is the key part of any evangelism plan because for some reason that I've never been able to understand there's this theory that somewhere out there is a rabid atheist who has never before given a flying shit about Christianity but everything will change and she'll suddenly be like, "Oh, I get it now!" if I just show up and tell her the story about how I became a Christian when I was five. Anyway, six people showed up. Four of us were the leadership team, the fifth was my best friend on campus, a guy who showed up at everything, anyway and really, really didn't need to learn how to write up his testimony. The sixth was this dude named Joe. It wasn't a particularly inspiring event. 2. We decided to rent out the Student Union's bowling alley and throw a free bowling party for everyone on campus. I showed up with a bunch of my non-Christian friends. I was the only one. The group clustered at one end of the bowling alley while the people they were supposed to be doing the bowling thing for came in and out without ever interacting with group members. 3. Following that debacle (well, I considered it a debacle at the time), I decided to finally say, "We do evangelism my way or we don't do it." I started putting together service evangelism events, but also threw them a bone and decided to do something kinda-sorta like a witnessing evangelism event. Four people showed up to that one, including me and that only because I had to be there. I was actually relieved, as it meant I could quietly let that one die. I quit the group outright shortly thereafter, anyway, but that was due to unrelated circumstances. The events of my year from hell (due to the leadership thing among other factors) caused me to begin severely re-evaluating my faith and that re-evaluation was pretty much what brought me to where I am today. After a few detours.

Thalatta! Thalatta!

There was you, there was me Happily cast away by some mutiny We rum'd and strummed and drummed up our own treasure And every note he heard...did Poseidon pilfer every word?! We have lost the key; can find no rest, no rhythm, rhyme nor measure...(I recall...) --RCPM, "Bottom of the Bay" We begin with a mountaintop experience, told in the words of Xenophon (as translated by H.G. Dakyns. For the record, Xenophon wrote under an assumed name and referred to himself in the third person, which was then a fairly common technique for autobiographical tales): But as the shout became louder and nearer, and those who from time to time came up, began racing at the top of the speed towards the shouters, and the shouting continually recommended with yet greater volume as the numbers increased, Xenophon settled in his mind that something extraordinary must have happened, so he mounted his horse, and taking with him Lycius and the cavalry, he galloped to the rescue. Presently they could hear the soldiers shouting and passing on the joyful word, "The sea! The sea!" Thereupon they began running, rearguard and all, and the baggage animals and horses came galloping up. But when they reached the summit, then indeed they fell to embracing one another--generals and officers and all--and the tears trickled down their cheeks. And on a sudden, some one, whoever it was, having passed down the order, the soldiers began bringing stones and erecting a great cairn, whereon they dedicated a host of untanned skins, and staves, and captured wicker shields, and with his own hand the guide hacked the shields to pieces, inviting the rest to follow his example. The Ten Thousand, after a journey filled with hardship, death, and fear finally came to the sea, to the point of salvation. It is, as Robin Waterfield points out, the climax of the story of the March Up Country. From here on out it all is a falling action, but one tinged with sadness and loss. Salvation at the sea proved little more than a dream. Discipline fell apart and the Ten Thousand found themselves as unwelcome among the Greeks as they had among the barbarians. As Waterfield points out, it's a tale Xenophon tells with a purpose. These stories introduce one of the major themes of Xenophon's book. It is one of a number told by Xenophon of the Greeks' journey along the Black Sea that suggest how a community falls apart, and that underline Xenophon's own personal disillusionment, as one by one his dreams fail. Their arrival at the sea was meant to change the focus of the army. Their worst dangers seemed to be past; there was no longer the unrelenting psychological pressure of each man fearing imminent death. They expected to be safe, and as a result unity no longer seemed as essential as before. Their arrival at the sea was supposed to be an end, not a continuation of the uncertainties of the retreat; they were supposed to have come home, and not still be outsiders. I'm continually amazed at Waterfield's ability to tease the universal story out of Xenophon's work and, in the process, keep it specific to Xenophon's narrative. It allows me to stretch and work the metaphor without fear that the material will grow too thin and split or too brittle and break. I can start at the mountaintop experience of the Greeks' first glimpse of the sea, then, and connect it in a way to my own look at the Christian walk without fear of overstretching the bounds of sanity or credulity. Consider this, then, a preface of sorts to the Field Guide to North American Evangelists and a bridge between my own dissatisfaction with an unfulfilling faith and what I can only conjecture drives certain categories of my former co-religionists. The image of a host of Greeks collapsing on each other in a joyful embrace is not particularly alien to the Christian mind, nor is the idea of reacting to an extraordinary event with the building of a sacrificial platform. The Jewish Bible is filled with tales of patriarchs and leaders experiencing god in some way, then commemorating the event with the construction and dedication of an altar. The term "mountaintop experience," meanwhile, is one I chose specifically because of the connotations it invites in the contemporary Christian mind. Christian life in the modern United States is filled with events intended to create a sense of unity. Youth and adult groups go off on weekend retreats and withdraw into several days with no TV or video games and extended meetings for praise and worship and preaching. Churches send out short-term missions trips that are equal parts work and team bonding. Organizations host conferences and seminars that cater to bringing disparate groups of Christians together for the purpose of fostering church unity. The aftermath of these events is filled with discussions of how to extend these experiences back out in to the real world, accompanied by admissions that it's simply not possible, no matter how desirable. To borrow a line from The Razor's Edge, it's easy to be a holy man on top of a mountain. The would-be holy man or woman is left with two options: extend the experience by remaining atop the mountain or go back to the village in the foothills and be reminded constantly of the struggles of life. Here on the mountain overlooking the sea we find the source of both Xenophon's and the modern Christian's disillusionment. All of the efforts of the Ten Thousand had been focused on the journey to the sea and that destination as the point of salvation after which all would be well. In focusing on this momentary salvation, they ignored or did not realize the possibility that all would not be well on the shores of the sea, only to expend all of their strength and unity in the initial rush of discovery. The strange insistence in modern Christianity that all depends on the moment of acceptance as exemplified by the praying of "the sinner's prayer" or a tearful rededication in the throes of passion at a retreat works in exactly the same way. As with Xenophon's profound disappointment with the events following the first sight of the sea, the Christian then spends most of the rest of his or her life in the faith looking back fondly at the mountain that can never quite be reached again. The Ten Thousand took to terrorizing the Greek and half-Greek cities of the Black Sea coast, then splintered along traditional lines and ultimately found themselves the friends of no one among their brethren, a pattern which is mirrored in church history. Before there was a Bible there were the Paulines, the Gnostics, the Judaizers, and probably others. Before there was a Holy Catholic Church there were the Donatists, the Arians, the Pelagians, and a host of others. Then there was the Catholic Church and the Orthodox and the Anglican and the Protestants, who further split into the Lutherans, the Presbyterians, the Methodists, and so on. Then came the fundamentalist split which gave us the Baptists and the loose collections of Bible and Evangelical Free churches. Now we're seeing the story told all over again with the Emergent Church claiming the mantle of certain truth in the midst of postmodern anxiety. Not only that, there are the half-breeds, like Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses and the alien, exotic religions like Islam and Hinduism. Each religion and each branch thereof claims to have the true answer, the real interpretation, the pure and unadulterated truth. Other groups, they might begrudgingly admit, sometimes have the right answers, too, or at least answers that are close enough to work. Ultimately, however, it all starts to seem a little too random, a little too divisive, a little too disappointing. The brilliant vista of the sea from a mile in the air atop a mountain gives way to cities with closed gates and fearful sentries, marauding bands of brigands and barbarians, and the slow, dawning realization that home isn't all it's supposed to be. We can understand, then, why Xenophon looked with longing eyes upon the land at a place called Calpe Harbor. It was a perfect place for a colony, rich with resources, between the important ports of Heraclea and Byzantium, and with enough space for a city of ten thousand or more. He had found Eden and, atop it, dreamt of the development of the spiritual city. But even his dreams were aimed in the wrong direction. Again I'll let Waterfield take up the tale: But in Xenophon's account the dream was tinged with a specific sadness. Calpe was to be a haven not just against marauding Bithynian tribes, but against time and change themselves. Calpe was where the army had reunified, and Xenophon dreamt that there his army could avoid not just physical disintegration, but the disintegration of values, the onset of amorality inspired by personal greed that Dexippus, Cleartus and Boiscus typified. The clash was between collective values, in which the individual supports the community by ruling or obeying as best he can and selfish values, in which an individual is simply out for all he can get for himself. Calpe, in Xenophon's dream, was to be a haven of virtue. Such is the tantalizing promise of the end of the world in the Book of Revelation. John holds up the city of man, as exemplified by Rome, as a place of chaos, impiety, and ill virtue, a greedy prostitute overflowing with all the vices most foul. In the end Rome is swept away before the glory of the New Jerusalem, a golden city lit by the light of the virtue of god himself and surrounded by a world of order and divine justice (the New Earth of the end of Revelation is depicted as having no oceans, an odd feature if you don't realize that to the Jewish mind the sea represented chaos, so the absence of a sea indicated order. This, too, probably highlights a clash of philosophy between Jews and Greeks and later Romans, for although the Romans were more willing to push up country than their cultural forebearers, they were still a maritime people who famously made the Mediterranean "a Roman lake"). To the early Christians this apocalyptic fever was very real and representative of something to come at any moment. After two thousand years of false starts and crushing disappointment, however, the promise of Jesus' return seems to be wearing a bit thin. The Millennial fever of Rapture Ready and Left Behind seems a desperate claim of false hope, a glittering dream city sitting atop the untamed wilderness of the seashore. All the while the church stumbles along an unfriendly coast, splintering in to smaller and small groups and all the while wondering what became of the promise of home. [Edit: Gravy. I should have proofread this one...]