Friday, September 25, 2009

Insert Friday-related Pun Here

So every morning on my hated Terrible Commute that is Now 87.5% over I drive past a church. The church has a sign out front. You know church signs. They get parodied all the time on the web. Well, this one says:
I've got three more letters for that church. WTF? Oh, and in case they need a helpful translation, that means "What the Fuck?" God's first...what, exactly? Can it possibly god's first anything if you're talking about a god who supposedly exists outside of time and is kinda Tralfamadorian in his conception of the universe. So, technically speaking, god's first anything is not actually god's first anything, since god already experienced that thing that god is now experiencing for the first time. Y'all got that, right? Good. Sadly, that's still far from the stupidest church sign I've seen. That award goes to a church that I drive past every morning on my way to work during my regular commute. It's been up since I moved, so we're talking a sign that apparently the church thinks is so good everyone needs to see it for a year. To wit:
But where should I look in the Bible? Oh, I don't know. It's all good. Church signs. Seriously stupid. It makes me almost respect any church that just has their name and the worship times. Oh, and a church that doesn't have the pastor's name up. That's how you know it's a cult of personality. But those supposedly clever and/or pithy signs? Yeah... --------------------------------- *For that matter it might actually say "TGIF/TODAY IS GODS FIRST." I keep thinking it does actually say that, but then think, "Naw, then that would spell out "TODAY GODS IS FIRST." Of course it could also be "TODAY GOD IS FIRST." But that would actually make some amount of sense. And we'd learn something. Gentlemen always come last. God gets what's his. I mean, think of poor Mary. She obviously didn't notice the part where she was having sex, but then was suddenly pregnant? And then she got abandoned by the baby daddy? I'll bet that jerk even skipped out on the alimony. Quick! Somebody get Maury on the line. He'll straighten this right out ("The kid ain't mine!" "Yes it is!" "No it ain't!" "The results of the paternity test coming up after the break, here on Maury..."). Also, who thought that one terrible church sign could cause this amount of reflection? I haven't even gotten to the series of jokes about Zeus that are running through my head. At least when you got it from Zeus you knew you'd been boned by a god. Or a large bull. Which, I'm given to understand, would probably have been a complicated docking maneuver. I mean, I know that bigger, in general, is better (no matter what the "motion in the ocean" proponents might say). But simple biology (and physics, really) tell me that there has to be an upper limit wherein it goes from, "Ooooh, wow!" to, "Oh, ow!" And from what I know of your average draft animal the whole sex with a bull story almost has to explore that space (lame pun probably intended). Then again, your average anthropomorphized male god probably has a thing or three to brag about, too. Like, there's that cut scene in God of War II where Cronus arrives to eat baby Zeus and the titan is all, y'know, titan sized while Zeus's baby mama is all human size. All I could think when I saw that was, "How in the world...?" Which brings to mind the episode of The Simpsons where Homer was Paul Bunyan and Marge was his, like, love interest (who may or may not have had a name) and he uses her as a Q-Tip at one point. As I recall, though, they lampshaded the size difference, so, y'know, good on them. But I should stop now, since I'm pretty sure this is a discussion I don't want to actually have with anyone. EDIT: Totally off topic, but these are hilarious.


Michael Mock said...

Geds: "At least when you got it from Zeus you knew you'd been boned by a god. Or a large bull."

Or a swan... which really takes things back in the opposite direction, unless of course it was a very large swan, and even then, wouldn't the feathers tickle or something? (But maybe that's a good thing...)

May it comfort you to know that you're not the only one to wonder about these matters.

Geds said...

First date with Zeus:

Zeus [takes on form of bull]: Hey, what do you say we go back to my place?

Date: I, uh, I'd like to, but I don't really think I could, um, handle that...if you get what I mean.

Zeus [takes on form of swan]: How about this instead?

Date: Um, is there a happy medium?

Abelardus said...

Or, you know, Zeus could reveal true immortal form to his lover and burn her to a crisp.

Geds said...

Zeus likes his women like he likes his steak: char-broiled.

big a said...

"Date: Um, is there a happy medium?"

I LOLed.